You’re starving now that you are home. The hospital food was awful and they probably gave you a tapeworm. You can’t wait to dive into a pepper sausage and broccoli sandwich with peanut butter, mayo and taco chips. Wait! Anything that you eat that can produce gas can be terribly painful and extremely stanky.
Sticking to somewhat bland but nutritional meals will keep the natural gas production down. Try subsisting on a diet of grits, oatmeal, white toast (no butter) and low sodium soda crackers. To help this you can also drink Peppermint tea, Fennel tea, or Long Island Iced Tea. Add alcohol to the first two. Rocking in a rocking chair also helps move gas. Rocking in a rocking chair in the Art Van Clearance Center will move gas AND move the salesmen.
Sure as shooting if you have company over you will feel like farting. Don’t hold back! As soon as you and the people around you are no longer experiencing your gas, try working slowly into to eating spiced foods.
A bowel movement and urination can be “uncomfortable” after a hysterectomy. “Uncomfortable” is another way to say “full of anguish” or “tormented” or “completely miserable”. The bladder, as well as the intestines, can all be moved around during surgery causing them to be sore and unsettled. This is usually because your doctor dropped his glasses during surgery and had to dig really deep to find it in the vast wasteland where your insides used to be.
To help experience the least amount of discomfort here are a few tips:
1) Avoid constipation. This can put pressure on your internal stitches and it can make your eyes glaze over and your face turn red. Use a light laxative or drink some prune juice mixed with rum. Six or seven bottles of dark ale will really lube you up also. When pooping, put something under your feet that makes your knees a little higher than your hips. Like platform shoes. Or even better, place both ankles behind your ears. This helps to straighten out your colon. A coat hanger might straighten the colon also (and eradicate any polyps at the same time). Do not strain to have a bowel movement as explosive evacuation can result in wet buttocks.
2) Drink lots of water. Try to avoid sugared drinks and juices as sugar can actually irritate the bladder more. Mixing alcohol with liquids is helpful though and will ensure that you feel much better…for a while.
3) Use the old slumber party trick. If you have trouble urinating due to spasms, try sticking your hand in a cup of warm water while trying to urinate. Relax and take slow deep breaths. If that fails use the OTHER old slumber party trick and have someone freeze your brassiere then put it on. You will pee…yes you will pee.
4) Don’t wait too long before urinating. Two or three days post-surgery is the max we recommend. A full bladder can put pressure on your internal stitches. It can also make your bladder feel “achy”. Combined by the gas elimination you will feel “achy breaky” (clinically termed the Billy Ray Cyrus Syndrome). Try to urinate frequently and to empty your bladder completely (making sure to visit a bathroom prior to doing so.)
To Be Continued